Next time you’re in a group of chatting people, direct your attention to their eye movements. As you track their eye direction you’ll notice different patterns when a person is talking and when they are listening. Sometimes you’ll notice a listener staring intently at one speaker but not at another, and sometimes you’ll notice a talker flit their eyes every which way. Why do people make all these different eye movements?

Reason 1: Eyes tend to be drawn towards the dominant people in the group

You can often tell who the dominant person in the group just by observing the eye locations of the people in the group. This is because we have a natural inbuilt tendency to rest our eyes on the more dominant people in the group rather than those people in the group who we deem to be less dominant than us. Why do we do this? It’s because we respect the dominant members more, so we deem them more deserving of our attention. We look at people who talk when we respect and admire their words. In our society and in the animal kingdom at large, dominant members of the group are often held in high regard. Less dominant people want to be respected and gain higher status too, and one way to do this is to get close to the highest status person in the room, even if only by showing them respect and looking at them when they talk.

Another often-observed dominance-related eye movement pattern is that a more submissive member of the group will display “checking eye movements”. This is when you gaze at the dominant person in the group to see how they are responding to something that’s just been said, and you respond accordingly to win their respect in your seeming like-mindedness.

The dominants in the group tend to be aloof, often not gracing the more submissive group members with eye contact unless when in direct conversation with someone, in which case the dominant person will tend to look boldly and confidently at their object.

If everyone in the group is of similar social hierarchy, eye movements tend to be subordinate all around even though no-one is subordinate to the other. Eyes focus not on the most dominant person in the group but rather on whoever happens to be talking. The person talking does checking eye movements to see that everyone is following them. This subordinate eye movement conducted by all in the group is a means of indicating that the environment is non-threatening and friendly. Equally dominant friends treat each other with respect, treating each other as the dominant one to generate good feelings.

Reason 2: Eye locations are sometimes fixed on people for whom we have strong emotions

Aside from focusing on the dominant people in the group, sometimes we focus on people whom we feel very strongly about.

Strong attraction, lust or love can make you stare at your object of desire without noticing you’re even doing it. You can often tell that a couple is in a good and loving place if you see that as one speaks their partner is gazing at them, barely taking their eyes off them. A good example of this is in this video by VlogBrother Hank and his wife, Katherine (from about 25 seconds in).

Desmond Morris suggests that the lover’s gaze may be a subconscious search for degrees of pupil dilation, to check that their partner has dilated pupils confirming their love and attraction towards them.

Similarly, intense hatred, anger and jealousy can cause you to stare threateningly at whoever the unfortunate individual is, in a subconscious attempt to intimidate them. The intimidating energy of the angry stare can be so strong that it is thought that it may be behind the origin of the “Evil Eye” superstition of the Middle East and Mediterranean. This superstition is based on a fear that malevolent stares can bring bad luck. People developed charms of little eyes to stare right back at the Evil Eye, so that all the bad energy of the Evil Eye will be deflected onto the charm rather than onto the individual.

Reason 3: More subtle eye movements are related to brain processes

As people talk, their eyes often aren’t fixated on one spot but rather flick to certain locations.

Although as already discussed, listeners often gaze at the speaker (as long as he is well-respected and at least equal in dominance status), the talker himself often exhibits very different eye movements. The speaker’s gaze may occasionally drift to the people in the group to check that they are listening but more often you’ll notice that their eyes make subtle movements, flitting from left to right, up and down.

Why do the eyes move in all these directions as we talk? One reason is that the eye location is connected to what internal mental brain processes are going on.

The development of the study of Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) has widely publicized our understanding of these subtle eye movements and their meanings.

Although these subtle movements can be idiosyncratic and unique to an individual, there are also general patterns that can be seen in the vast majority of people. These general observed patterns are as follows:

(Note that the diagram indicates the eye directions as you would see them, looking at the individual front-on. So when an individual looks to their left, that would be as if they are looking to your right.).

The direction may be a mirror image of the above diagram in left-handed people and in a minor subsection of right-handed folk.

Breaking it down: What do these subtle eye movements mean?

• Looking up and left: Visual Recall: These eye movements indicate the person is remembering something they’ve seen and are picturing it in their mind.
• Looking up and right: Visual constructed image: According to NLP eye movement theory this indicates that the person is imagining something they’ve never seen before and is creating a picture of it in their mind.

  NB Staring ahead with eyes appearing unfocused and unmoving can also be a sign that your brain is accessing the visual parts of the brain. In other words, you are literally day dreaming and imagining some kind of picture or movie in your mind, even if you’re not consciously aware of the images you are seeing.

• Looking to the left: Auditory recall: Eye locations going to the left indicate the person is remembering a sound they’ve heard and are hearing it in their mind.
• Looking to the right: Auditory constructed sound: The meaning of eye movements to the right is that the person is imagining something they’ve never heard before, creating and hearing that sound in their mind.
• Looking down and left: Internal dialogue: If you track a person’s eyes to the lower left side, it is likely they are talking to themselves because this is where your eyes look when have an internal dialogue.
• Looking down and right: Kinesthetic:  Eye movements to the lower right indicate the person is imagining what something feels like when they touch it, smell it or taste it, or what a feeling is like in their body. When the eye direction turns here it could also indicate the person is in touch with a certain emotion and what it feels like in their body.

You can test this out with a friend.

• Ask your friend what the color of their car is and ask them to see their car in their mind. See if their eyes move towards the Visual Recall side (looking up and to their left).
• Ask your friend to imagine what a blue dog with pink spots would look like. See if their eyes move towards the Visual Construct side (looking up and to their right)
• Ask your friend what the ringtone on their phone sounds like and to hear it in their mind. Notice if their eyes go to the Auditory Recall side (looking to the left)
• Ask you friend to imagine what a dog would sound like if he could talk in a certain voice. Do their eyes go to the Auditory Construct side? (looking to the right)
• Ask your friend to imagine the smell of freshly baked bread and to imagine the feeling as you bite into it and taste it. Do their eyes move towards the kinaesthetic zone? (looking down and right)

Interesting side note: Using eye movements in therapy

Because eye movements are closely linked with how we connect with our memories, our thoughts and our feelings, eye movement exercises can be effective as part of therapy.

NLP uses eye movement monitoring to help get down to the root cause of negative thinking patterns. Knowing whether you are telling yourself something negative, seeing negative images in your mind or connecting with the emotions directly can help NLP practitioners find ways to replace these habits with positive ones.

Another positive use of eye movements in therapy is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing). Studies are still being conducted to discover its full potential but so far research has shown the potential of eye movement training exercises in helping to cope with stress and other negative emotions.

References

Morris. 1979. Manwatching: A Field Guide to Human Behavior

Morris. 2007. The Naked Woman: A Study of the Female Body

Plante. 2010. Contemporary Clinical Psychology

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- Winking: Why do we wink?
- Why do we get sleep in the eyes?
- Why do we have a little pink corner on the inside of the eye?
- Why do we get red eyes in photos?
- Head nod: Head nod: Why do I nod my head to say “yes”?
- Head shake: Head shake: Why do I shake my head to say “no”?

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What does a wink mean?

A wink’s meaning depends on the context and culture involved, but here are a few possible wink meanings:

• Hello signal:
  The wink can be used as a substitute for a wave: the eye is fluttering like the hand.
• Flirtation signal:
  Winking is perhaps most famous for its use in flirtation to signal the message: “I’m attracted to you”.  When performed between strangers, and when accompanied by an inviting smile, it is often considered a genuine or a teasing sign of sexual invitation. If used genuinely, it is widely considered to be quite a vulgar and uncouth way of signalling attraction and is deemed unladylike.

  Why do we wink to signal flirtation?
  Although the history of the wink is unclear, it can be hypothesized that the wink became associated with flirtation due to the fact that when we’re excited, the pupils dilate and our blink rate increases. Excitement of any type is known to boost our number of blinks, so sexual excitement may do the same thing. The wink may be a stylised allusion to sexual excitement in this way.
  The eyelash flutter that girls use to flirt is thought to come from a similar origin.
  A variation of the flirtatious wink is the “clink”, a wink accompanied by a clicking sound.



• Secret shared knowledge signal:
  It can silently acknowledge shared secret knowledge between the winker and the winkee.
  This may be purely for the sake of pointing out the shared knowledge, or if done overtly rather than covertly, it may be for ulterior motives such as to deliberately exclude others in the group and announce your closeness with your winking partner.
  The closed eye denotes a secret aimed only at the person you are winking at, and the remaining open eye indicates that the secret is not for the rest of the people in your eye’s view.
  The secret-knowledge wink has evolved into the not-quite-as-subtle saying “wink wink, nudge nudge”, which carries the same meaning.

  Why do we wink to signal secret knowledge?
  One theory is that this habit may have been inspired from the story of Odin the Norse god. The legend says that he gave his eye in exchange for a drink from the well of Mimir; a drink which would give him the gift of great wisdom and knowledge.

• “Only joking” signal:
  When a wink is used together with an outrageous or sarcastic statement, it can be a way of removing doubt about whether you are serious, indicating you are kidding. The smiley wink “;)” is often used in this way.

• Comforting or encouraging signal:
  The wink can be a substitute for a comforting gesture: For example when mingling in a party, if someone notices their friend looks a little down and wishes to comfort them without bringing awareness of their need for comfort to the other people at the party, they may send an encouraging wink their way. It’s almost like a substitute for a pat on the back or a hug.
• Initiation of predetermined plan signal:
  It may be a discreet signal for a previously-decided thing. For example in the presence of guests, some parents use the wink code to signal to their children that it’s time to excuse themselves and leave the room.
• Nervous twitch:
  As mentioned, increased blinking indicates excitement, and on a similar thread it can indicate nervousness. Some people wink as an uncontrollable nervous habit. This can be differentiated from the deliberate winks through the person’s facial expression which is usually stressed and nervous looking.

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There are several theories regarding the origins of clapping:

Theory 1: The Clap Evolved from an Air Hug

If you study infants as they anticipate the arrival of their mother from afar, you’ll see that there are occasions where they’ll reach out, arms wide apart, ready for a hug. Sometimes in their enthusiasm they may grasp at the air, giving it a full air hug before the mother reaches them. As the air hug is completed the hands come together on the empty air with a clap. Babies may also do this when reaching out for something in a “Gimme!” pose; a pose which would only be done when the item is appreciated.

So the clap may have evolved from a gesture of air-hugging, where the clap represents the sending of a hug of appreciation to the performers.

Footage captured amongst extremely excited fans sometimes sees fans clapping their hands together interspersed with air hugs as they are overwhelmed with admiration.

Since the applause-clap is a repeated clapping process however, it is perhaps more likely that the clap evolved from theory 2.

Theory 2: The Clap Evolved from the air-pat on the back

One of the most likely theories, supported by behavioural biologist Desmond Morris, is that when we clap a performer, we are effectively patting him on the back from a distance.

The pat on the back is a well-known sign of congratulations and admiration (see the article on the origins of the back pat here). If you examine people clapping, you’ll often notice one hand is more still than the other. The still hand represents the performer’s back and the moving hand is like the back-patting hand.

Passages in the Bible which refer to clapping as a celebratory act fit with the congratulatory pat-on-the-back origin which denotes a joyous “all’s well”.

Theory 3: The Clap as a Spilling Over of Excited Energy

Another fairly plausible theory is that people are so overwhelmed with emotion after enjoying an astonishingly beautiful performance, that they don’t know what to do with themselves. They must exude this energy somehow, so they might jump up from their seats, stamp their feet and clap in excitement; all actions that are sometimes carried out by overexcited non-human primates.

Theory 4: The Clap Evolved to Break the Trance-like state of the performance

Clapping has been an ancient purification and cleansing practice, to scare away evil spirits. When enthralled by music or a play, people may feel entranced into a state which in ancient times may have been associated with the presence of spirits. The clap may have been encouraged to break the audience out of this trance and frighten off any lingering trance-inducing spirits. This would explain the slightly aggressive undertones of the clapping action.

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The origin of the comforting back pat:

In early babyhood, it’s vitally important for the mother to embrace and hold the baby as much as possible, to replicate the comforting envelopment the unborn-baby experienced in the womb. When the baby is feeling a bit cranky, it’s common to see the mother patting the baby on the back, and this, when combined with gentle rocking and soothing noises, can help calm the baby. The patting is a reassurance action that draws more attention to the embrace. The back patting gesture says: “I’m here to hold you, look after you and protect you, so relax.” It also signals there is no danger, otherwise the mother would be holding the baby tightly rather than patting it gently on the back.

This scenario is very much like the comforting back-patting gesture we do to our friends, lovers, family members and even strangers when they are upset.

Sometimes, back patting may be done by a person when they themselves want to be comforted. It’s as if they are saying “I do to you what I want you to do to me”.

The origin of the congratulatory back pat

After babyhood, children often experience patting that is no longer restricted to the back. Head pats, cheek pats, and even stomach or butt pats become common as an evolved form of “I’m here for you, you’re safe”, to become “All is well”. “All is well” soon evolves into “Well done you! You’ve done well!”, and this is the origin of the congratulatory pat, and back pat.

In children, it is customary to pat a child’s head when they’ve done something clever, as if you are congratulating them on their good brain. But because head patting is associated with childhood, it is seen to be patronizing to do to adults. Back-patting is the more accepted way of saying that a person has a good brain, or for saying well done on performing well, be it in a sporting event or some other event.

The origin of the bro-hug back pat

If you’ve ever been hugged by a chimp, you’ll see a lot of similarity between a chimp-hello-hug and a bro-hug! Both involve an embrace accompanied by a few pats on the back. According to the variety of bro-hug, humans may differ from chimps in adding a handshake to the procedure.

Both chimps and humans evolved the mother-child back pat into a formalized, stylised, socially accepted way for adults to embrace. It links back to the original maternal back pat which is a sign of caring for someone and being there for them. Sometimes the embrace is cut out completely and two bros simply give one another a hello back pat instead of an embrace. To be extra manly, the pats may be extra strong. Caution: There may be some risk of being sent flying.

Whilst the origin of the bro-hug may be rooted in the original loving maternal embrace, people may do it without love behind it, simply because it is a culturally accepted welcome. The amount of eye contact and the look in a person’s eyes before and after a bro-hug can be revealing as to the feeling behind it. The more eye contact, and the warmer the eyes, the more affection is likely to be behind the back pat. Having said that, people who are uncomfortable with displaying affection may be harder to read and may avoid eye contact not because they dislike you, but because they are feeling uncomfortable.

There is another reason for back pats, especially if done during an embrace-combo-bro-hug or a hug in general. In this case, back patting may signal to say: “Ok, this embrace is long enough. Let’s let go now…”. This can be an indicator of either discomfort with embraces in general or uneasiness hugging that particular individual specifically. Again, examining the eyes can be revealing of the other person’s feelings.

Alternatively the back pat as a signal to stop the embrace may have nothing to do with comfort, but may be rooted in control: The desire to feel in control of the situation by determining the length of the embrace.

How do you know to interpret an individual situation? Observe if the back pat is done with everyone or just with one person. Also pay attention to other signals like facial expressions and eyes, which may give away discomfort or nervousness. If you know a person, try to think if they have signalled a strong need for being in control. Some clues for control-loving may include telling others what’s good for them, ordering for others in restaurants, and generally being a bit bossy.

The back pat signalling a desire to be in control

Following on from the back pat as a signal of control when done to end an embrace, it may also be a sign of wanting to dominate and be in control at other times.

In the original back patting situation between mother and child, the patter is the mother, the person in control of the baby’s life and safety. The baby is the passive recipient. People who have a tendency to pat others on the back outside of the embrace situation (especially when there is no congratulations or a need for comforting in the vicinity), may be indicating their need to dominate; a need to feel like the parent: to feel in control.

Sometimes amongst politicians, where there are strong desires for control and power, the patting situation becomes almost comical as they each try to get the last back pat in, to establish themselves as the ones in control.

Back Patting in flirting situations

When a back pat is done in a situation where sexual attraction may be a contributing factor, it could signal “you’ve done well/ congratulations”, it could be a “hello”, or it could be a comforting gesture, but it could also be an excuse to touch in order to get closer and to signal sexual interest. Particularly in cultures where touching is not highly prevalent during everyday conversations, the back pat here could signal: “I feel safe and comfortable enough with you to touch you”, which is a good start for creating intimacy.

It is however important not to jump to conclusions based on just one gesture, because gestures should always be interpreted in clusters and not on their own.

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Reason 1: Fidgeting as a displacement behaviour

The most common reason for fidgeting is “displacement”. What I mean by this is that the fidget is an expression that is displacing, or taking the place of an emotion which you have but are unable to express directly.

Although many of us have a baseline level of fidgeting in normal situations, the frequency of fidgeting shoots up when we are excited, anxious, self-conscious, stressed, fearful, angry, frustrated, impatient or bored.

Case in point: Before boarding a plane, a slightly exciting and potentially stressful time for many of us, people often find themselves repeatedly checking that they have all their belongings, and fiddling with their ticket, passport or whatever might be at hand. This fidgeting helps to displace some of that anxious energy, and dissipates it through various body movements and actions.

Another good example is before an important interview or at social gatherings. Unless you’re extremely high status, or emotionally detached, it’s natural for us to have a small degree of social anxiety in situations where we want to make a good impression on others and when it’s important for us to be liked. In social gatherings, fidgeting is rife. People occupy their hands with food, glasses, cigarettes, smoothing down their clothes and hair, face touching, and many other techniques. These are all little outlets of emotional tension.

In children, especially ADHD-type children, they might find themselves squirming in their seat, rummaging around pencilcases, rifling through papers and carrying out other distracting behaviours. For some children who are diagnosed with ADHD, fidgeting may be a displacement behaviour for boredom, frustration or another emotion. Fidgeting may be correlated with problems at home, or in their social life. It  may also be related to frustration from a physical problem, like being unable to hear properly or finding it difficult to verbally express their needs efficiently. It is interesting that otitis media, an ear infection that affects hearing, is strongly linked to some cases of ADHD.

It may also be argued that OCD-type fidgeting, like repeatedly straightening out or cleaning objects in front of them, or switching lights on/off repeatedly, may sometimes be a displacement behaviour for another underlying issue.

At other times the nature of the fidget may reveal what the underlying emotion which you are suppressing actually is. For example an agitated pulling at a marriage ring may potentially indicate marital distress, and constant self-grooming fidgets may be linked with self-consciousness and insecurities about appearance.

Interestingly, many people, particularly ADD and ADHD sufferers, report that fidgeting helps them concentrate and focus. This may be because it helps relieve the restless energy within them, which is so distracting. However, it does make me wonder: if the underlying cause behind the restlessness was addressed, would they still need to fidget?

Reason 2: Fidgeting to comfort ourselves

Different fidgets have different purposes. Whilst some are pure displaced expressions of an emotion, for example, rapid and urgent pen-clicking may be associated with impatience, and fingernail chewing may be linked with “eating yourself up” over something, other fidgets are less “displaced emotions” and more “self-comforting” actions.

Self-comforting actions are the fidgets that involve self-stroking, for example stroking our hair or beard, and caressing areas of our face, neck, arms, legs or elsewhere on our body.

A fidget which involves us placing our hands in front of us, for example fiddling with a wineglass or bag that’s in front of your body, is also a form of self-comfort. It is comforting because having something in front of us acts like a shield, so that we feel better protected from anything around us. The crossed arm shield is a non-fidget-related shield which acts in much the same way. Any fidget where you find yourself having an arm crossing your body in a half-crossed-arms pose (for example when adjusting a cufflink, a watch or a bracelet), is often a comforting, protective fidget.

Reason 3: Excess energy

Whether excess energy is caused by having one too many cups of coffee, too much sugar, or some other kind of stimulant, fidgeting may be the by-product of excess energy. As the Law of Thermodynamics states: Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be transferred. The energy has to go somewhere, and if you are unable to start cartwheeling ecstatically through the room, it may express itself as fidgeting.

People who have a more excitable, high energy temperament may be more prone to fidgeting. In Traditional Chinese Medicine these may be people with abundant Jing and overflowing Qi.

Reason 4: Attention-seeking

It depends what the fidget is, but sometimes, a fidget may be a cry for attention. This is especially true in children who are joyful when a teacher or parent finally speaks to them, if only to say: “Stop fidgeting!”

Reason 5: Medical predispositions for fidgeting

Some medical conditions increase the likelihood of fidgeting. These include:

• Blood sugar imbalances: Sugar highs may see excess energy expressed through fidgeting. Sugar lows could be accompanied with frustration about tiredness which comes through as fidgets too. Hypothyroidism is a bit like low-sugar-levels in that it is accompanied with frustrating amounts of tiredness at times.
• Hormonal changes: For example:
  - Elevated testosterone may increase aggressiveness, which may be displaced into agitated, impatient fidgets.
  - Hyperthyroidism comes with a feeling of excess nervous energy which may manifest as an increased need for movement and activity.
• Brain chemical imbalances: These may be linked with increased internal tensions which may be expressed through fidgeting.
• Medication-caused imbalances in the body

Useful Fidgets?

Several studies have revealed benefits to fidgeting. Not only does it relieve internal emotional tension, but as mentioned above, it can also help people focus and concentrate better on the task at hand, and all that extra activity may even help you lose weight!

Although these seem useful at first glance, upon further inspection, perhaps there’s more to it. Often, fidgeting is ultimately caused by an underlying negative, unhealthy origin, so can the side-effect of something negative ever really be good for you? Is it good for you to lose weight because you have so much nervous energy that you are burning calories from all this stress? Or is it good for you to focus better only because your fidgeting takes your mind off unresolved issues which are bothering you?  I think it would be far healthier to achieve focus by solving the underlying cause behind your internal conflict, and lose weight by addressing the issues driving your weight gain, rather than by fidgeting. That’s just my opinion though!

However, until underlying issues can be resolved, if you must fidget, how about taking up a fidget like knitting, sewing, drawing or whittling and fidget productively?

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History of the Bow

Bowing shows you are not a threat to the other person

The concept of bowing is rooted in animalistic tendencies.

Ever heard the advice that should you come face-to-face with a bear, you should make no eye contact, back away, and if you see no way to escape, you should lie down into the fetal position and play dead? This is so that you don’t seem like a threat to the bear. If they don’t fear you, they are less likely to attack.

Lowering yourself makes you look smaller and less threatening.

Humans aren’t that different from bears in this sense, and believe it or not, a similar instinctive drive led to the development of the bow.

In a historic sense, bowing down to someone says:

“You are stronger than me. You are a threat to me. Therefore I bow down into a position I would be in if you defeated me in a fight. I am defeated already, so there is no need for you to attack.”

Bowing shows you have lower status than the other person

In other words, when you bow down, lowering yourself before someone, it essentially says:

“You are stronger than me. I am weaker. I have lower status than you; I am less than you.”

So it is quite fitting then that people lower themselves before monarchs and before God (by kneeling and/or bowing: it’s the same concept).

Evolution of the Bow

Initially in antiquity, people used to either fully lie down flat on the floor, or kneel on the floor with bowed head to their superiors. This was often done by slaves when in the presence of their masters, or by servants to their overlords.

As time went on, the idea arose that only God should be knelt before on both knees, so the gesture evolved into a one-kneed kneel when done for non-God superiors. This is often seen in Medieval-themed movies of knights sinking down on bended knee, with bowed head before the monarch.

More time passed and the half-kneel evolved into a curtsey. Both men and women would give a half-bended knee dip with bowed head before superiors out of a sign of respect.

It was only in the 17^th century that sexual dimorphism occurred. Men took on the bowed head posture and extended it to a forward inclination of the body, whilst women retained the bended knee curtsey with lowered eyes.

Prevalence of the bow today

In the West, we do not often see the formal deep bow today, other than in the theatre, before a monarch or before God.

In some parts of the East however bowing is still very commonplace. Why do cultures like the Japanese bow? It’s often to do with social status and it’s always to do with showing respect. The higher the social status of a person, the deeper and longer the bow should be. Lower status people may get only an informal head nod. Bowing in Japan can accompany greeting, or it can also be used to express an apology respectfully, or as a way of saying thank you in a meaningful way.

Although it may not seem like it upon first glance, some vestigial forms of the bow have been retained in the Western culture too.

A salesman trying to sell something to an important customer may be seen to be leaning forward in a pseudo-mini-bow, saying “This customer has high status because he determines whether I make commission on this or not!”.

In job interviews, it’s often common to see the interviewee leaning forward in a similar way.

When you lean forward slightly when meeting an important person, this is a miniature version of a bow. So although upon first glance the bow may seem non-existent in the West it may still be penetrating our lives in subtle ways to this day, sometimes without us even realising.

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There are three main theories:

Theory 1:
Before babies can talk, they have to use body language to indicate their desires. As a baby seeks his mother’s breast to feed, the searching movements of the head can resemble a head nod.

Similarly, when a baby wants something, they tend to bob up and down in their seat with an accompanying head nod. This usually signals, “Yes! I want!!”

Theory 2:
Part of the head nod involves bowing down your head momentarily. This led to the theory that head nodding may relate to bowing down in respect and submission. When you accept what the other person is saying, you are effectively bowing down to their words in acceptance, as you would bow down to a King or Queen in acceptance of them as Royalty.

The bowed head as a sign of submission is used also to appease a threat. The nod doesn’t always mean “yes”. Sometimes it also means “Go on..” or “I’m interested to hear more”.

It is seen sometimes in animals. For example, have you ever seen pigeons doing their mating ritual? If not, take a look at this videos:

Their mating ritual involves a period of insistent head bowing by the pursuer. Why? In part it reduces the risk of the pursued responding aggressively to their advances by saying, “I lower myself to you. I have lower status. I am no threat”. In other words, it calms and appeases the pursued pigeon. Some tortoise species also have this head nodding as part of their mating ritual. This may be linked to the reason why head nodding is considered a submissive behaviour in humans.

Perhaps in animal mating rituals it also says, “I’m interested in you and am trying to appease you so you will accept me”. In this context, it makes sense that head nodding conveys inter-human interest too.

- – -

In some cultures different gestures are used to convey different types of “yes”.

In India, it is common to give the head wobble as a sign you are listening. Amongst Western people this can look a bit like a head shake which leads to some miscommunication.

In Bulgaria, when they want to show you they are listening to you, they shake their heads, as if saying “no”. What they are actually doing is showing you their ears, saying “I’m all ears. I’m listening”. This has led to much cross-cultural confusion.

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The origin of the head shake is thought to be derived from infanthood. Without the means of speech, a baby has to become an expert in conveying intentions with body language.

When a baby is fed, whether at the breast or otherwise, if the food is unwanted, the baby’s main way of indicating this is by turning the head away from the food to reject it. A parent’s attempt to give food often results in the baby turning his head one way in rejection, and upon further insistence of the parent pressing the food to the baby’s sideways facing head, he has no choice but to turn the head the other way in refusal. A good illustration of the video below:

Soon the head shake develops as a sign independent of feeding, to signify rejection, refusal or just plain “no”.

In some cultures, the head shake is substituted with a “head twist”, whereby the head is just moved to the left, or just to the right, and then the gesture stops abruptly. It’s like half a head shake. This is particularly common in parts of Ethiopia, and also is thought to originate from the rejection of food at infanthood.

Apart from saying “no”, shaking the head could also indicate disapproval or even bewilderment, depending on the cluster of body language signals accompanying the shaking head.

There are also other ways of saying “no” with body language, including the finger wag, and the “head toss”, whereby you are effectively recoiling at the statement and sticking your nose up at the idea (sometimes accompanied with rolling eyes and a disapproving click for extra effect!).

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The Finger Wag is known as a Substitute Signal in Body Language. A substitute for what? Your finger is in fact acting as a substitute for your head.

The head shake is a world-wide sign of saying “no” by shaking the head from side to side. In the finger wag, the finger takes the role of the head, being shaken instead.

Why use a finger when you can use your head? Using the finger wag as a sign of disapproval or admonishment allows extra flexibility to give a more forceful and rapid shaking of the finger that would probably make you dizzy if attempted with the head! In other words, hands are capable of a wider spectrum of subtleties that the head cannot achieve.

The finger wag is distinct in meaning and appearance from other baton-like finger movements and pointing actions.

The finger wag is not the only Substitute Signal used in body language. In the North Native American culture, the finger is also dipped like a head nod to signify “yes”.

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Meaning of Holding Hands for Romantic Couples

The act of holding hands can mean various things for different people. Here are some of them:

1.) It can give feelings of comfort, protection and safety

When we’re young, we often associate handholding with the protective action of a parent looking after us as we cross the road, or as we walk through busy areas. Holding hands represents “I’m holding onto you so that I’ll keep you safe from getting lost or getting hurt”. It could well be that people who have established such a learned association with handholding, will feel comforted by this action with a romantic partner.

Like a person who needs to be led through the dark, it represents someone being there to guide you if you ever need someone to lean on. Sometimes we need a hand to help steady ourselves as we climb through the rocky terrain of life, or to help us balance as we attempt new things, as you’d be grateful for when trying ice skating for the first time. We’re comforted to have someone offer a helping hand to catch us or at least help pull us up if we fall along the way. Being in “good hands”. That is part of what handholding represents.

Comfort need not necessarily be related to keeping safe. It can also be like a hand-hug. When you’re feeling scared about an interview, or going for an injection, if someone who cares about you holds your hand and gives it a squeeze, it can be comforting. It signifies “I’m here for you and I’ll be there for you at the other end too.” There is also the other dimension that holding their hand helps divert your attention away from the thing which is causing discomfort, and by focusing on it less, the intensity of the fear diminishes. “With spouse hand-holding you also stop looking for other signs of danger and you start feeling more secure,” says assistant professor of psychology and neuroscience, James Coan, at the University of Virginia. “It makes your brain work a little less hard on coping”.

Biochemically, touch is known to stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system, the part of the nervous system which is associated with relaxation and unwinding. Touch, such as in massage has been found to lower blood pressure, slow breathing and make us feel more at ease.

2.) It says “I love you” or at the very least “I like you” without words

Because handholding is often associated with happy memories of parents or guardians looking after children out of love, it is associated with loving a person. When you’re a child, your love for your parents tends to be one of the strongest feelings of love you’ve experienced in your young life. It is no wonder then that when these children grow up, they use this similar loving act in romantic contexts.

Handholding is an expression of closeness and connection, allowing someone in through your personal boundaries, which are important factors in love.

NLP states that people can be divided into 3 groups: visual-dominants, audio-dominants, or touch-dominants. People who are audio-dominant may prefer to say “I love you”. People who are visual-dominant need to see it through body language: the look in a lover’s eyes and the expression on their face. People who are touch-dominant may find saying how they feel incredibly difficult and far prefer to say it with touch, by holding hands… amongst other ways!

3.) Touch intensifies your feelings for one another

Not only is handholding an expression of closeness that says “I like you”, but it also intensifies how much you like a person. Studies have shown that when waiters casually add friendly touch to the interaction with the people who they’re serving, tip size and frequency increases dramatically. One study found a 36% increase in tipping caused by touching. It is likely that a similar effect happens when we hold hands.

“Based on what we’ve seen, when we get more physical intimacy we get better relationships,” said Tiffany Field, the director of the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami School of Medicine.

4.) It says “you’re not alone”, “you’re accepted”, “you belong”

You hold someone’s hand when you want them to keep up with you as you urge them to follow, or to ensure you stick together in a crowd. You do it to connect with someone in a moment in time so that you feel that in spite of experiencing an event in our own separate bodies, you are sharing this moment together. Handholding is an act of togetherness.

In his book “Love’s Executioner”, Dr Irvin Yalom suggests that we’re all afraid of existential isolation. He writes: “We are born alone and we must die alone. Yet even though you’re alone in your boat, it’s always comforting seeing the lights of the other boats bobbing nearby.” Handholding is a vibrantly bright and warm light of a boat bobbing happily beside us.

The basic human need to belong was discussed in an earlier article, and handholding can certainly help fulfil this need as it makes you feel accepted and wanted.

From a palmistry perspective, the palm represents the microcosm of the self. By holding hands you are effectively putting together the microcosm of your world with the microcosm of their world. The ultimate expression of togetherness.

5.) It fulfils the basic human need for touch, which makes us feel good

The need to touch other members of your species is ingrained into us genetically. When observing the young of mammals of all species, snuggling behaviours are common to all. Studies have shown that touch is essential for good physical and mental health. Lack of demonstrative touch-related love has been found to be related to failure to thrive or mature psychologically in babies. Another research study found that elderly people reported increased well-being after massaging infants. Touch releases endorphin-like feel-good chemicals. Bottom-line: touch makes us feel good. Handholding therefore does too.

Human touch is such an important thing, that in cultures where handholding between sexes is not accepted, and the sexes are segregated, such as in strict Arab countries, handholding is acceptable amongst men as a sign of respect and as an expression of liking one another. This caused much controversy in the non-segregated West, when in 2005 King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia held hands with George W Bush before the cameras of the world!

6.) For some it’s a sign of ownership and domination

Some people like to hold hands possessively as if to say “You’re mine! And everyone will see it when I hold your hand!”

Along similar lines, especially amongst young romantic partners, handholding may be something that’s done to show off to your friends that you’ve found a “trophy” romantic partner.

Looking at the body language of hand-holding can reveal which partner is the “dominant” one. There are 3 main ways we can hold hands:
(1.) Holding hands with your palm facing backwards
(2.) Holding hands with your palm facing forwards
(3.) Holding hands with your palm facing towards your body
In Pease’s “The Definitive Book of Body Language” book, he states that “The person with the palm facing down (backwards) is dominating over the one with the palm forwards.” If both partners have their palms facing towards their body, the body language is saying that both are equally dominant.

7.) Social signal that you’re “taken”

From a social perspective, it may be a sign for others to back off when you’re “taken” and no longer on the market. Today, handholding is often seen as a more serious sign of connection than a kiss or a hug. Kisses are often given away freely and meaninglessly in drunken nights out in bars and clubs, but handholding has connotations of a more serious, committed connection.

8.) It sure beats gloves to warm your hands!

What? Hands are often warm!

Related Articles
See other articles in the body language, culture, and psychology sections, including:
- Why do we need a sense of belonging?
- Why do we have the engagement and wedding ring custom?
- Why do we celebrate Valentine’s Day?

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This site is working in affiliation with Amazon.com (for USA visitors) and Zazzle. If you like a product that was recommended anywhere on this website, please consider buying these products via the links on this site, to help keep this website running. Thanks