There are many ways to go about teaching a child independence. Some of them are listed below:

1. Negative motivator: Remind the child they won’t have guardians forever

Whether it happens at age 16, 18, 21 or even over 30, there will come a day when a child will no longer have parents or guardians to look after them. It is essential that they know how to survive on their own in the world when that day comes, and keeping this in mind can motivate a person to learn independence.

2. Teach the child awareness about the things they will need to supply for themselves one day

As a parent, it is part and parcel of the role to show the child what tools they will need for independent survival. This includes things like money, food, shelter, safety, self-care, confidence and independent thinking.

3. Teach the child in baby steps to learn to take care of these things that they will one day need to supply for themselves

A few examples of baby steps a child can take over time:

• – Teaching a child to cross the road safely helps prepare them for independence in getting around outside on their own
• – Teaching a child how to identify and handle dangerous situations is required if they are ever to be independent
• – It is vital to teach a child that their opinions and independent thoughts are valid by encouraging and praising them, even if they disagree with you. Ask them their opinions on things, even simple ones like “What shall we make for dinner?”.
  Sometimes it’s appropriate to encourage a child to think for themselves about a question they’ve asked you, rather than giving them the answer. You can guide them to the right resources and ask certain questions to help them get to an answer.
  Allow them to develop their own self-expressive opinions, their own sense of style and sense of self. This includes allowing them at some stage to choose and then go buy their own clothes (although rules can be made such as adherence to a budget).
• – Teaching a child responsibility, accountability and consequences for their actions is an important part of learning independence.
• – Playing in the kitchen with a child helps them learn to cook for themselves. Depending on your living situation and your own skills as a parent, teaching how to grow your own food may be part of your child’s independence-training.
• – Passing on other survival skills you may have helps their independence: For example, getting your child involved in your DIY projects if you do any can help develop their independence.
• – Encouraging a child to do odd jobs and chores for money helps set up the concept of earning money.
• – Giving them responsibilities at home, school or even in the family business can help them learn how to do similar things when on their own in the world one day.
• – Passing on wisdom regarding social niceties which encourage healthy interdependence allow a child to learn interdependent independence.
• – Guide children but don’t control them. This is an important distinction that is essential to enable a child to develop independence. Some tools for guiding include a Socrates-like way of asking a child guiding questions which enable the child to reach the desired conclusions themselves, rather than spoon-feeding them the answer straight away.
• – Show the child how to use resources such as the internet or self-help books to enable them to find answers for themselves without relying on others.

4. Allow the child to occasionally make a mistake for learning purposes

Provided that making a mistake doesn’t involve life-threatening consequences, it is important for a child to occasionally learn from their own mistakes. Learning that there are consequences and stakes when making your own decisions is part of independent living. They need to learn to be held accountable for any mess they make, and need to learn how to overcome the messes they get themselves into.

5. Identify inhibitors of independence and work towards eliminating them

Parents need to develop an awareness of their own behaviour towards their chlidren if they’re going to encourage independence healthily.

If you notice a tendency to instil fear in a child because you are a bit overprotective, try to modify your behaviour. Identifying tendencies to be overcontrolling, undermining, patronising and mollycoddling should also be nipped in the bud if your goal is having an independent child. If a child has low self-esteem and lack of belief in their abilities to get on in the world on their own, try to assist them with this prevalent problem and prove they can get on in this world.

Supporting change from lack of independence to independence with Bach Flower Remedies
Bach Flower Remedies are wonderful, gentle homeopathic-like support for a range of emotional conditions. For children, teenagers or anyone else undergoing the change from dependence to indepedence, the following Bach Flowers may be useful:

• Walnut: This flower helps accommodate any change going on in life.
• Hornbeam: This flower is great for helping you move away from procrastination and helps things move forward in life.
• Chestnut Bud: Helps shift inertia and encourages the desire to change.
• Chicory: This flower is suitable where a person is excessively demanding of love and attention, like a needy child who is unwilling to let go. At their extreme, chicory types may take offence to someone encouraging their independence because in their eyes they may see it as rejection. They are prone to using every trick in the book, from bribery to flattery, to extreme eagerness to “help”, to remain dependent.
• Cerato: This is helpful where there is lack of trust in one’s own decisions
• Mimulus : Where there is fear of a known thing, such as fear of failure, or fear of disconnection from a loved one due to independence, mimululs may help dissolve the intensity of the fear.
• Larch : This is helpful where there is a lack of confidence preventing independence
• Aspen: Helps deal with undefined fears where people are afraid to let go of dependence and don’t know why.
• Vervain : For parents who have strong feeling of “I know what’s best for you!” which may suppress a child’s independence.
• Vine : For overcontrolling parents to help them let go of control.
• Red Chestnut: For parents who are overconcerned for their child’s well-being and have a tendency to mollycoddle.

The bottom line on Being Independent
A parent’s role is crucial in allowing the development of healthy independence of their child.

Independence isn’t always fun to teach or to learn, but it’s essential for survival, self-esteem and happiness.

Whilst independence is of great importance, it is vital to keep in mind that no man is an island, and learning interdependent independence is also crucial for surviving in a social world.

This is a 4 part article:
Part 1: What is Independence?
Part 2: Why do we need independence?
Part 3: Why do some people find it difficult to become independent?
Part 4: Teaching Independence in Children

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Disclaimer:
Every effort has been made to ensure that the information contained in this article is accurate. However the information contained in this article is for educational purposes only. Suggestions contained in this article are not intended as a substitute for consultation with a health professional. All matters regarding health and supplementation require medical supervision and careful examination of contraindications. The author does not accept responsibility for the use of this information, nor shall the author be liable for any loss, injury or damage allegedly arising from any information or suggestions in this article.

For most people there is a natural conflict between wanting to revert to the childlike state of being safe, looked after, care-free and absolved of responsibilities, and the desire to be strong and independent. Some people find it harder than others to become independent, and though this may be due to a wide range of reasons, some of them are described below:

a.) Physical restrictions or disabilities
Some people are inhibited from 100% independent living due to physical restrictions which mean they require a carer to help them. In such cases, independence must take on a different definition within the allowances of their condition. It is still possible for such people to be independent by maintaining mental independence and deciding on behavioural decisions, even if these decisions can only be achieved with some assistance.

b.) Low self-esteem
People suffering from low self-esteem are prone to questioning their thoughts, and looking to others for opinions. Without self-belief and independent thinking, independent behaviour is difficult to attain.

Conformity to society’s norms is a highly prevalent form of non-independent thinking which may be linked to a degree of low self-esteem, and to a desire to be liked by others. Being liked helps boost a person’s self-esteem, albeit an external effect rather than a truer and stronger internal self-belief. Being liked also contributes towards the development of harmonious relationships which enable interdependence and interdependent independence.

c.) Fear
Independence is also seen as detachment from people who love you, and in some way, the detachment needed to achieve independence can be perceived as painful rejection. Fear of rejection, separation and loneliness may be a driving motivation for holding on desperately to dependence.

Fear of making the wrong decisions, and a general fear of failure can lead to dependence on others who can aid in decision making.

d.) Inertia
A person who is accustomed to being dependent may become stuck in this familiar behaviour because it is comfortable and well-known to them. Venturing outside the comfort zone requires determination and energy. Not everyone is motivated enough to overcome the inertia, especially if they see more benefits in staying dependent than in becoming independent. They may also be in denial or fear the possibility that they may one day have no-one to depend on and will need to look after themselves.

e.) Being overprotected as a child
Children who are told that the world is a dangerous place, and are instilled with fear about how scary the world can be without an adult looking after them, are more prone to seeking dependence. Without a parent affirming to a child that they are strong enough to look after and protect themselves, a child may not believe they are capable of this.

f.) Overcontrolling parents
Some parents may instil the idea of “mother/ father knows best so always do what I say!” in their children. They often do it from a strong personal need to feel in control and to ensure their child makes the “right” choices. However in doing so, they risk making their child feel inferior or incapable of making good decisions without running them past mum or dad. This has the potential to undermine a child’s self-confidence and self-belief.

g.) Parents who belittle their children
Some parents belittle and put down their children at every opportunity, every time a child makes a decision for themselves, or acts independenetly. Parents who act in this way usually do so because they feel a sense of inferiority and need to boost their own egos. Unfortunately, in the process they may damage the self-esteem of the child, and low self-esteem can lead to problems in establishing independence.

h.) Mollycoddling parents
For some parents, it pains them to encourage their children to do things if a child doesn’t want to do it. Giving in, they may say: “It’s ok, you don’t have to do what you don’t want to do”. However, to ensure survival in the world, certain things are essential for a child to learn and do, even if they aren’t fun or pleasant. Parental insistence for certain tasks and lessons is therefore essential if they are going to bring up independent children who will one day be able to look after themselves.

The same can be said for parents who do everything for their children. These children will not learn how to deal with responsibilities themselves if parents are always doing everything for them, and will find independence a struggle.

See Part 4: Teaching Independence in Children

This is a 4 part article:
Part 1: What is Independence?
Part 2: Why do we need independence?
Part 3: Why do some people find it difficult to become independent?
Part 4: Teaching Independence in Children

Related Products

Independence is a highly revered trait in our society, but why do people see it as being so important and commendable? Why do we need independence?

Why do we need independence?

1.) We need to learn to be independent in order to survive

The most important reason for independence is that if you ever find yourself without a parent, guardian or partner there to support you and look after you, you’ll still be able to support yourself.

2.) Independence is important so that you won’t be a burden to anyone

It is natural for a child to be dependent on its parents or guardians. However, when dependence seeps into an age where it is no longer a necessity, it can become a burden on the person who is being depended on. By clutching onto dependence, people are demanding others to take on responsibilities for them. Some parents, guardians or partners enjoy being needed, but ultimately inappropriate dependency is draining, burdensome, and forms an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship.

3.) Independence is an important ingredient for developing good self-esteem and therefore is an important ingredient for happiness

Feeling that you know what you’re doing in life, that you’re in control; that you know how to take care of yourself, how to survive and how to think for yourself, is very empowering. It boosts self-belief and self-respect.

It is no coincidence that young people venturing out into the world on their own for the first time and experiencing independence can be exhilarated by the experience. Listening to your inner guiding voice of what to do with your life, rather than following orders from others, is one of the keys to achieving happiness.

At the other end of the scale, confidence can be lost when people grow old or perhaps have physical disabilities that have caused the loss of some independence. Becoming needy and dependent can reduce self-belief as well as potentially leading to feeling angry and resentful about losing independence. Many charities work hard on Independent Living causes to help people retain feelings of independence in spite of physical limitations.

4.) Independence of thought can lead to incredible discoveries and innovations

By daring to think for yourself along lines that have never been thought of before, wonderful discoveries, inventions and creations can arise. Such innovations can help not only yourself and your sense of self-confidence, but can also further human advances in the world at large.

See Part 3: Why do some people find it difficult to become independent?

This is a 4 part article:
Part 1: What is Independence?
Part 2: Why do we need independence?
Part 3: Why do some people find it difficult to become independent?
Part 4: Teaching Independence in Children

Related Products

This is a 4 part article:
Part 1: What is Independence?
Part 2: Why do we need independence?
Part 3: Why do some people find it difficult to become independent?
Part 4: Teaching Independence in Children

What is Independence?

Independence can be divided up into different categories of independence. The main categories are: Mental Independence, Behavioural Independence and Survival-based Independence.

1.) Mental Independence
An important distinction exists between independent thinking and rebellious thinking. Rebelling against someone else’s ideas means that you purposefully take the exact opposite stance to someone’s ideas, and so their ideas are ultimately controlling yours.

Mental independence is being able to think for yourself, regardless of what others think and say. It involves accessing your internal resources, listening to your inner voice, weighing up all the facts and feelings you’ve accumulated, and forming opinions based on this. Mental independence is the basis of independent thinking, independent decision-making, and leads to independent actions and behaviour.

2.) Behavioural Independence
Independent behaviour is partly based on mental independence, because it is only after you can think independently, that you can make independent choices in life from what to eat, to what you choose to do for a living. In other words, mental independence enables you to act independently.
Behavioural independence also involves freedom from control or influence of others.

3.) Survival-based Independence

The ultimate point of independence is being equipped to look after yourself to enable your successful survival. In our world, this means:

• - Financial independence: This involves earning money ourselves to allow us to buy food and pay for shelter
• - Safety-related Independence: This involves knowing how to maintain your safety, how to avoid dangerous situations and how to handle them if they occur.
• - Self-care-related Independence: This entails knowing how to look after yourself to maintain your good health and fitness, and taking care of all your needs, including social ones. Part of self-care is having a healthy social life, so there is always a healthy degree of  “interdependence” that is needed even for the most independent people. We are after all social animals whose survival is connected. Without interdependence between farmers and consumers, for example, we wouldn’t have food or clothes. This give and take of “group interdependence” is necessary to enable individual independence. Being 100% self-sufficient is not the same thing as being independent. Being independent does not mean living a solitary life and never asking for help. Asking for help only becomes dependence if one person uses the other without the intention of giving anything back. Dependence also occurs when a person lacks the intention of learning to become self-sufficient.

Why do we need independence?
See Part 2: Why do we need independence?

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